Mourning Rituals

Funeral Services

The funeral service serves the living and the dead. For the bereaved, the service offers an emotional outlet for the expression of grief. For friends, it is a means of identifying with the sorrow of the bereaved and to share their sense of loss by extending the understanding hand of friendship. For the departed, it is the setting where the living pay tribute to his or her intimate and influential role in their lives, and where he or she is accorded the dignity of interment in the sacred ground of a Jewish cemetery.

Prior to the service, a black ribbon placed on the left lapel of the children of the deceased and the right lapel of other relatives (parents, spouses, siblings) is cut. Some mourners choose to cut their garment, such as a scarf, blouse or tie. Called kriah, this ceremony is accompanied by the recitation of the traditional affirmation of our faith in G-D's justice - even in this difficult time. By performing kriah, we affirm that G-D is the true Judge.

The service itself consists of the recitation of appropriate Psalms and readings, followed by eulogies, and the chanting of the El Malei Rachamim (memorial prayer). At the cemetery, the pallbearers will carry the coffin toward the grave. They will, according to tradition, stop seven times before they reach the coffin's final resting place. 

We conclude the service at the grave with the recitation of the Mourner's Kaddish by the mourners. Mourners shovel a small amount of dirt into the grave as a symbol of respect, holding the spade downwards to distinguish this activity from any other they’d do with a shovel. They leave the grave passing through two parallel rows of friends and receive the traditional message of consolation (Hamakom y’nachem etchem b’toch sha’ar avelei Tzion virushalayim; God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem).

Before leaving the cemetery, we wash the hands as a form of ritual cleansing.

Se’udat Havra’ah

It is a practice that friends provide the se’udat havra’ah, the meal of condolence following the return of the mourners from the burial service. The meal usually includes round foods, such as eggs or lentils. Round foods symbolize the cycle of life and how life goes on. Those of us visiting the house of mourning are reminded how important community is and of our responsibilities to support the mourners in our community.

Shiva

The Shiva period lasts for seven days, counting the day of the funeral as the first day. A person sits shiva for a parent, a spouse, a sibling or a child. At the shiva home – usually in the home of the deceased but not always – a memorial candle is lit. Canale Funeral Directors will provide this candle.

Individuals sitting shiva sit on low benches or chairs as a sign of mourning. Beth Sholom provides 4 chairs if you would like.

During shiva, the mirrors in the home are covered and shoes are not warn by the mourner.

One does not sit shiva on Shabbat, but it counts as one of the seven days. On the seventh day, it is only necessary to sit for one hour in the morning. Mourners emerge from their period of shiva by going outside and taking a short walk around the block. Rabbi Sarit is happy to help coordinate this with you.

Shloshim

Shloshim is a 30-day period of mourning that begins the day of the funeral (and includes the seven days of shiva). While after shiva mourners return to their usual pursuits, it is customary to avoid participating in festivities or entertainment during the shloshim period. Some people refrain from shaving or getting a haircut during shloshim. It is also customary not to visit the grave during this period. When mourning the loss of a parent, these restrictions are continued for a full year. During shloshim, one does not accept an aliya to the Torah.

Kaddish

Mourners recite Kaddish at every service they attend for a period of 11 months for parents and 30 days for other relatives. Services at Beth Sholom are held most days of the year: Monday through Thursday evenings at 6:00 p.m., Wednesday and Thursday mornings at 7:00 a.m., Saturday mornings at 9:15 a.m., and Sunday mornings at 8:00 a.m. Click here for more about minyan services at which to recite Kaddish.

Yahrzeit

The anniversary of a death, the yahrzeit, is calculated by the Hebrew calendar. If you do not know the yahrzeit date, please get in touch with the synagogue office. The Synagogue will send notification of when the yahrzeit (Hebrew date of anniversary of death) occurs. It is customary to light a yahrzeit candle at home on the eve of the yahrzeit and to attend services on (or as near as possible to) the yahrzeit date and to say Kaddish. If you are at minyan in order to say Kaddish for a yahrtzeit, please tell the service leader so they can include El Malei Rachamim, the memorial prayer, for your loved one.

Memorial Plaque

A memorial plaque containing the name of your loved one and date of death is a most fitting memorial. Plaques are placed on the Memorial Tablets in the community court.  Memorial plaques may be ordered in the Synagogue office.

Markers and Unveiling

Markers must be placed at the gravesite in accordance with cemetery requirements. Please contact Rabbi Sarit for information regarding markers.  The marker may be placed at any time during the year of death after the first month following the burial. There are no religious restrictions on visiting the gravesite or on placing the marker after the shloshim, 30-day period, is concluded.

Families are welcome to conduct the unveiling, a ritual with minimal requirements, on their own. The Rabbi will be glad to assist you with the dedication procedure and be present, if so desired.

Yizkor 

We at Beth Sholom encourage you to participate in this solemn and moving service ritual on Yom Kippur, Sh’mini Atzeret, 8th day of Pesach, and 2nd day of Shavuot.